Mojca Zirovnik

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Kaj pomeni izražati se asertivno?

Asertivno izražanje in pogovor je veščina, ki vam omogoča, da poveste to kar mislite tudi takrat, ko bi glavo najraje vtaknili v pesek in počakali, da nevarnost mine. Asertivni način pogovora vam omogoča, da izrazite svoje mnenje spoštljivo, prijazno in odločno. Tudi takrat, ko se bistveno razlikuje od mnenj drugih: http://www.septabene.si/si/clanek/tretja-pot-brez-pasivnosti-in-agresivnosti/

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Več kot govorim, manj se motim ali devet načel karizmatičnega komuniciranja

Ne samo karizmatičnega, predvsem komuniciranja, kjer vi, kot posameznik ljudi pritegnete s svojo socialno močjo. To pomeni, da vam sledijo, znajo pa vseeno kritično presoditi ali ste kot oseba tega vredni. Socialne moči se lahko naučimo, predvsem se lahko naučimo, kako se pogovarjati, izražati, argumentirati, razumeti, reševati probleme v situacijah, kjer se bliska in grmi, ljudje okrog vas pa potrebujejo nekoga, na katerega se lahko zanesejo. Več na: http://www.septabene.si/si/clanek/vec-kot-govorim-manj-se-motim/

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Pogovarjati se v luči medgeneracijskih razlik

Ne, nismo čudni mi ali oni. Smo preprosto različni. Imamo drugačne vrednote in prepričanja. Zato se vedemo drugače in pogovarjamo drugače. Če se tega zavedamo in to razumemo, se lahko tudi naučimo spoštovati našo drugačnost skozi pogovor, ki zbližuje. Odgovor, kako se lahko zbližamo skozi pogovor najdete tukaj: http://www.septabene.si/si/clanek/pogovarjati-se-v-luci-medgeneracijskih-razlik/  

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Ko mislimo in želimo dobro, pa tega ne znamo povedati

V pogovoru se zgodi marsikaj. Pogosto nas odziv sogovornika preseneti. Predvsem zato, ker nismo mislili nič slabega, ravno nasprotno. Morda smo v navalu čustev ali želje, da pomagamo in prisluhnemo ravnali ravno nasprotno in naleteli na nepričakovani odziv. Kako pravilno povedati, kar res mislimo pa na spodnji povezavi. http://www.septabene.si/si/clanek/ko-mislimo-in-zelimo-dobro-pa-tega-ne-znamo-povedati/

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How to Boost Your Charisma through Communication

Who do you find charismatic? I’m pretty sure we have different views about people, who have certain flair around them and make us notice them more than others. And the fact still remains that all charismatic people share at least this quality: above average communication skills with focus on affecting people, who surround them. It may be that charisma is something you do have or not and at the same time it can be acquired. You can learn how to become more charismatic (persuasive) by improving you speaking skills. Let’s have a look at a few very elementary, yet extremely powerful tips: 1. Talking or Listening, Listening or Hearing? Generally speaking people are poor listeners. We all prefer talking, especially about ourselves. Be it our personal experience or about something where we belong, e. g. the company where we work. Listening is far more powerful, especially when people around you actually feel heard and acknowledged. When you make them feel special.  2. Respect the (awkward) moment of silence It’s a turning point in a conversation. They asked a powerful question, perhaps disagreed, perhaps they snapped at you. What you do is – keep silent. For no more than three seconds, which seem to them an eternity. And to you. But you know these three seconds make a difference. Powerful difference. And you embrace the silence because it gives you the advantage you need. Only then you answer. Preferably in a very composed and assertive way, slightly lowering your voice and reducing the speed of your talk. 3. Don’t overuse the first person singular (I) or plural (We) Speaking like this is a kind of a by-prouct of modern life, especially in the western culture, where people think that themselves as individuals are more important than the group. In the corporate world you can see that in meetings, where people start introducing themselves instead of using a very simple formula (TOPIC-IMPORTANCE-SPEAKER). The same thing goes for presentations, where the same mistake occurs. Or in proposals, where companies very often start by presenting their way of working, best achievements and references. You only become charismatic if you put THEM before YOU. 4. Imagine you’re talking to ten-year olds Instead of speaking in big and loose ideas, be specific and down to earth. In other words drop the “corporate talk” of touching base offline, having people in one’s radar, replacing problems with challenges etc. Now, that’s one thing. The other one refers to sounding meaningful and understandable to people, who do not work in finances (such as yourself). Explain in a way everybody knows what you’re talking about without making them lose their face, e. g.. Do you understand that? 5. Use humor The ability to add humor is among top ten traits of excellent leaders. If you time it right – bingo. You will sound like one of them. A normal person, made of flesh and blood, especially if you are in a leadership position. 6. Learn how to talk about changes First of all embrace changes. Secondly talk about them. Don’t avoid the subject, but rather address it openly. Tell them how you feel about it.  Include pros and cons, like this you’ll sound more believable and will communicate common sense. In other words you’ll greatly increase your ethos. Also, when you talk about changes be realistic and avoid cliches of “changes being the only road to becoming more competitive”. 7. Be careful about your non-verbal talk and about your voice Charismatic people are congruent with what they say, how they say it and how they express it with their body. Can you train your voice and your body-talk? By all means. Keep in mind that the more stressful the situation, the more difficult will be paying attention to how you look. — The bottom line is that although you might not be perceived as charismatic YET you can learn how to and become charismatic NOW.

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Three Quick Tips for Instant Charisma

If you already are a leader, you’re about to or aspiring to climb that career ladder I encourage you to use these three very easy tricks in daily conversations to gain instant charisma: 1. Nod less A lot of nodding in meetings, business presentations (Q&A session), negotiations is bad news for you. And especially so if you’re a woman. Extensive nodding creates an image of submissiveness and people often see you as less confident. If you add too much and/or too intensive smiling and head-tilting (again, especially in women) your words won’t have the weight they should. 2. Lower your voice at the end of the sentence As a leader you need to be able to use three different frequencies: auditory (A), visual (V) and kinesthetic (K). In layman terms you need to be able to raise and lower your voice according to different situations. Lowering your voice is typical of K frequency and two most common occasions to do that are when you want to: share something important and want people to remember it; intervene in conflicts; Apart from that lowering your voice at the end of the sentence makes the impact we often seek in different business situations: confidence and assertiveness. 3. Pause for no more than two seconds before you speak This doesn’t only look like you know what you’re doing, it looks like you own the situation. Very often we can hardly wait to let people know what we think and sometimes we’re so eager to share our opinion that we even cut in. Not good. Listen while they’re talking (no nodding!!!), wait for two seconds and then speak. And don’t worry that you might not have your say, you will. And if you do it as suggested you’ll sound persuasive and influential. An opinion leader.    

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(Fe)male Ways of Talking

Even if you haven’t read the infamous book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus you are probably fully aware of the differences between men and women talking about things. Predominant reason for communication differences, the way we approach to talk about things is in the brain: “Maps of neural circuitry showed that on average women’s brains were highly connected across the left and right hemispheres, in contrast to men’s brains, where the connections were typically stronger between the front and back regions.” (www.theguardian.com) As a result women seek connecting and cooperating when conversing. They are more able to recognize and read, for that matter, one’s body language. The reason for that, partly, lies also within the female social role of a mother. Regardless of the fact if a woman does or does not have children, her ability to recognize body language clues and clusters correctly and much better than a man is inborn.  Furthermore, women also seek intimacy with a person they’re talking to avoid loneliness. Men are different. Their objective when conversing is to get across information and facts. They are more analytical. As a result they are far more direct and create an impression of independence. They rather avoid conversations, which tend to be too personal or emotional. The male way of talking focuses on attaining social status and avoiding failure, whereas female focuses on emotions. It would, of course, be entirely untrue claiming that men do not want to connect at anytime or that women do not care about their social status. The bottom line is they have different priorities. Because we talk differently, we also listen differently. Women very often nod while listening. In her world this simply means “I can hear what you’re saying”, while his interpretation is “Oh, she agrees with me”. Men do not nod. And women interpret this as “He doesn’t agree” or “He is not listening”. What happens in business meetings? At the beginning women prefer to talk about relations between participants, men prefer to talk about what they’ve been up to or where they’ve been. When a problem appears, women talk about the problem itself and find way to a solution. Men think about the problem in silence, without sharing their thoughts with others. They only speak to share their final solution. For this reason men see women as talking too much and women see men as lacking empathy. Also, women ask more questions and men think that this is a waste of time or a sign of weakness. And if a leader is a woman, men think of her as being a control-freak. Yet women believe that asking questions is a sign of cooperation, soliciting opinions from everybody, which leads to a quicker solution and speeds the decision-making process. Another think worth mentioning is female multitasking in conversations or meetings. Women do not necessarily finish a discussion about a subject, but rather open another topic (or two). Men prefer to talk about one subject, close the topic and then open another one. When women disagree in meetings, they’ll share their disagreement more tactfully than men, whose disagreements are often direct and can make them appear aggressive. Women, namely, think that other people (men included) could take a disagreement personally, while men are certain that everybody in meetings (women included) can separate people from problems. In stressful situations, meetings included, men very often react in terms of “fight or flight”, while women use the “tend-befriend” approach. The key for it lies not in the brain, but hormones. In stressful situations women and men release oxytocin. However, estrogen, the female hormone strengthens oxytocin, while testosterone, the male hormone reduces positive effects of oxytocin. This explains why women are more eager to form connections within a group and ease stress. So, what can we do? So, if a woman wants to learn how to sound more male or create better rapport with male public, she should talk less about emotions. There is another way out, however, if a woman wants to avoid conflicts with men and at the same time retain her qualities: “When you said that … (describe behavior), I felt … (describe emotions). For this reason I suggest to … (solution).” The first part of the sentence is mainly male communication, since the focus is on facts (behavior). The second part is more female (emotions). What women could also avoid is advising or ordering what men should do. Eliciting suggestions using (problem-solving) questions is better: What if …/Why not …/What do you think about …/How do you feel about … What’s most important for men to come closer to female communication is not that much in talking differently, but listening differently. While listening, do not focus only on “OK, so what do you suggest”, but rather listen to a “bigger picture”.

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Arm Yourself with Charismatic Voice

The voice is, to a great extent, similar to body language. It tells people what attitude you have to a certain situation and people in this situation. Your voice talks about how you feel. What can you do to develop a more charismatic voice? 1. THE TONALITY. There are 88 notes on a keyboard. Average people use max 2.5. To sound more melodic you need to develop tonality. Once you’ve done that, you’ll also eliminate those fillers you’ve been using for a lifetime, because the words will be connected better, plus you’ll be able to raise and lower your voice better and more. QUICK FIX: Sing (more often). Sing on your way to work. Sing at home with your kids. Sing in the shower. 2. THE SPEED. If you speak too fast you do not sound credible. People listening to you might feel you are under stress, in a rush or lack self-confidence and/or knowledge. QUICK FIX: Open your jaws more and do not let the words get stuck in your mouth; Moderate your speed by stressing key words in sentences and then making the vowels (A-E-I-O-U) of these words longer; Also, record yourself reading a text of 120-160 wds in a minute. Then listen to yourself several times. You’ll get the feel of how you sound speaking at the rate, which is the most comprehensible one. 3. THE PITCH. You’ve probably heard it on the grapevine that we prefer to give our votes to people speaking with a lower voice (think Morgan Freeman). They sound more adult, more experienced, more credible. Only “children” speak  at higher pitches. The Internet offers loads of exercises for lowering your voice. QUICK FIX: Practice saying DING-DONG, KING-KONG, BING-BONG by making the final -ng longer and -ng of bong as long as you can. First say these using your normal voice. Then lower your voice a little and do the same when you repeat these words for the third time. 4. THE VOLUME. Normally we do not speak at the volume powerful enough. This is especially true of women and especially when speaking on the phone. QUICK FIX: Always speak as people listening to you are at least three meters away from you. This is the volume you need. On the phone, remove the receiver or your cell slightly away from your mouth. This prevents the impression that you are talking to yourself.

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Become an Aspiring Leader

Leadership has changed significantly over the past few years. If it had been mostly about sales targets and results a decade or even less ago, now it’s more about motivation, empathy and bringing people together. But still keeping those sales targets in mind. What’s been more interesting lately is that even start-ups, small family businesses and small companies hire coaches to develop their leaders. What’s more is that there are a number of employees hiring coaches on their own and not through a company to develop a specific skill or behavior necessary for a leader. Females mostly want to develop assertive behavior. They want to have more male skills while keeping female skills. What men are after is female skills. They realized that in the world of today empathy, positive attitude towards employees regardless of circumstances, warm and friendly relationships will get them much farther than assuming a role of an unapproachable and authoritative boss. Males simply need to get out of their grand offices and talk to their staff. Even better, getting an office among their staff. This enables you to practice MBWA (management by walking around). Don’t think that if you’ve come up with a glass door and glass windows the ceiling between you as a leader and your staff doesn’t exist. Also don’t think that if you’ve opened your door widely (glass or mahogany) and keeping it that way 24/7 this will automatically encourage people to walk in and talk to you. It’s downright simple – get your ass up and walk around. Ask them how they are. Ask them what is it they’re doing now. Ask them how their weekend was. Develop genuine curiousness. Show them you’re hungry about their replies. And after they’ve replied instead of smiling weakly, nodding and walking away take five. Ask another question. And then another. Talk to them. Be mindful. And when you do that you might consider leaving a jacket behind, dropping your tie and unbuttoning top two buttons. Perhaps rolling up your sleeves a bit? What about females? When you need to express your opinion in a boardroom, deliver feedback (to that pain-in-the-neck assistant who’s been after your job for a while), present in front of 200 people imagine you’re wearing a nice, silk, tailor-made suit. With pants. Or with a skirt (!!!). Imagine you’re sitting at least three meters (ca 10 feet) away from the closest person. Speak nice, easy, lower your voice slightly. Limit the number of words. Before you start look them in the eye, take two seconds and – begin. Also imagine how cool it is that it’s you and nobody else to do this. Because you can do it so much better. Smile! Be mindful!

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