confidence

Even if you haven’t read the infamous book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus you are probably fully aware of the differences between men and women talking about things. Predominant reason for communication differences, the way we approach to talk about things is in the brain: “Maps of neural circuitry showed that on average women’s brains were highly connected across the left and right hemispheres, in contrast to men’s brains, where the connections were typically stronger between the front and back regions.” (www.theguardian.com) As a result women seek connecting and cooperating when conversing. They are more able to recognize and read, for that matter, one’s body language. The reason for that, partly, lies also within the female social role of a mother. Regardless of the fact if a woman does or does not have children, her ability to recognize body language clues and clusters correctly and much better than a man is inborn.  Furthermore, women also seek intimacy with a person they’re talking to avoid loneliness. Men are different. Their objective when conversing is to get across information and facts. They are more analytical. As a result they are far more direct and create an impression of independence. They rather avoid conversations, which tend to be too personal or emotional. The male way of talking focuses on attaining social status and avoiding failure, whereas female focuses on emotions. It would, of course, be entirely untrue claiming that men do not want to connect at anytime or that women do not care about their social status. The bottom line is they have different priorities. Because we talk differently, we also listen differently. Women very often nod while listening. In her world this simply means “I can hear what you’re saying”, while his interpretation is “Oh, she agrees with me”. Men do not nod. And women interpret this as “He doesn’t agree” or “He is not listening”. What happens in business meetings? At the beginning women prefer to talk about relations between participants, men prefer to talk about what they’ve been up to or where they’ve been. When a problem appears, women talk about the problem itself and find way to a solution. Men think about the problem in silence, without sharing their thoughts with others. They only speak to share their final solution. For this reason men see women as talking too much and women see men as lacking empathy. Also, women ask more questions and men think that this is a waste of time or a sign of weakness. And if a leader is a woman, men think of her as being a control-freak. Yet women believe that asking questions is a sign of cooperation, soliciting opinions from everybody, which leads to a quicker solution and speeds the decision-making process. Another think worth mentioning is female multitasking in conversations or meetings. Women do not necessarily finish a discussion about a subject, but rather open another topic (or two). Men prefer to talk about one subject, close the topic and then open another one. When women disagree in meetings, they’ll share their disagreement more tactfully than men, whose disagreements are often direct and can make them appear aggressive. Women, namely, think that other people (men included) could take a disagreement personally, while men are certain that everybody in meetings (women included) can separate people from problems. In stressful situations, meetings included, men very often react in terms of “fight or flight”, while women use the “tend-befriend” approach. The key for it lies not in the brain, but hormones. In stressful situations women and men release oxytocin. However, estrogen, the female hormone strengthens oxytocin, while testosterone, the male hormone reduces positive effects of oxytocin. This explains why women are more eager to form connections within a group and ease stress. So, what can we do? So, if a woman wants to learn how to sound more male or create better rapport with male public, she should talk less about emotions. There is another way out, however, if a woman wants to avoid conflicts with men and at the same time retain her qualities: “When you said that … (describe behavior), I felt … (describe emotions). For this reason I suggest to … (solution).” The first part of the sentence is mainly male communication, since the focus is on facts (behavior). The second part is more female (emotions). What women could also avoid is advising or ordering what men should do. Eliciting suggestions using (problem-solving) questions is better: What if …/Why not …/What do you think about …/How do you feel about … What’s most important for men to come closer to female communication is not that much in talking differently, but listening differently. While listening, do not focus only on “OK, so what do you suggest”, but rather listen to a “bigger picture”.